Racist Jokes
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”
The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L’amour! Zis is OK.”
“Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!”
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!”
To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.”
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!”
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Be careful what you wear (or don’t wear), when working under your vehicle…especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow….”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
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There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell pancakes.”
As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.
Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”
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Useful phrases to know when traveling in the Middle East…
AKBAR KHALI KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAS INO BEGERAM
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.
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