Old People Birthday Jokes
A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
“It’s beautiful!” cried the man, “Does he do any tricks?”
“Yes he does,” answered the salesman. “If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing ‘Jingle Bells.’ And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.’”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he’d bought.
“Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?” asked the wife. The man smiled and said, “Watch this.”
Then he lit a match and put it under the bird’s right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing ‘Jingle Bells.’ Then he put the match under the bird’s left foot, and it began to sing ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.’
“That’s incredible! Does he do anything else?” the wife asked.
“I don’t know, lets see,” replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird’s legs.
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
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This man decided that on his birthday he was going to go to the local bar and get shit-faced drunk. So he walks in and asks for a bottle of Jack Daniels, when he was about halfway through he saw this sign on the wall that read “Reward $1,000,000.”
He asked the bartender what it was for, the bartender told him that he had an alligator outside with a loose tooth. If he could pull the tooth he could have the money.
So the guy finishes the bottle and sees this other sign, again for $1,000,000. And again he asks what this is for, the bartender replied, “Well I’ve got a woman upstairs that’s so tight she can’t be fucked.”
The guy nods his head and walks outside. A few minutes later they hear water splashing and someone screaming. Then all of a sudden it gets quiet. About five minutes later the man walks back into the bar and says, “So, where’s that woman with the loose tooth?”
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You could always try the “You know that you are getting old when…” line of jokes
Here are a few of my favorites
When males wore hats (not backwards baseball caps) and removed them in church.
When you had to get up to change the black and white t.v. channel
When you wore your good clothes to travel by air.
A new bicycle meant you were rich.
Remember when Coke came in a glass bottle
Most of your sentences begin with, “When I was your age…”
The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.
Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don’t want you behind the wheel.
You often repeat things…You often repeat things… You often repeat things…
You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.
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One of the women with whom
I work, Donna, has a son in third grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his
spelling for his weekly tests. So, together, Donna and her son go over the words for
the test, both meaning and spelling of the words.
A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was “clock.” Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence? “My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday” — only it seems he’d accidentally omitted the letter “L.”
Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.
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Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘’Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'’ His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ‘’Oh no,'’ says Dave. ‘’He’s on my bowling team.'’
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ‘’You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'’ ‘’No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'’ A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ‘’Hi, Davey,'’ she says, ‘’Want your usual table dance?'’
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ‘’Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!'’
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