Jokes On Fat People
A woman is in a terrible car accident and, as a result, is in a coma. Doctors try everything they can think of, but nothing will bring her out of it. Once a week, a nurse comes in to give the woman a bath. She notices that every time she gets the sponge near the woman’s crotch, her vital signs seem to pick up. After a few weeks, she begins to think that maybe oral sex would help bring the woman around.
She calls the woman’s husband, explains what she’s noticed and her plan, and asks the husband if he’d like to give it a try. He agrees to give oral sex a try, and rushes down to the hospital. He is led to the woman’s private room, and a curtain is drawn around her bed to give them some privacy. The man is behind the curtain for a few minutes, when a scream from the room brings the doctors and nurses running in. The husband is standing there, and the doctors rush past him to examine the woman. All of her vital signs have stopped - she is dead. The doctors ask the husband what went wrong. “I don’t know”, he said, “I think she choked”.
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” What do they say?” the priest inquired. ” They only know how to say, ‘Hi,we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?”
That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, ” but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day, the woman brings her two female talking parrots to the priest’s house. His two male talking parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the female parrots say, ” Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away; our prayers have been answered.”
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I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I’m chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance.”
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance.”
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on. After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.
The woman answered first: “When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins…”
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An elderly couple were driving cross country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”
The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”
The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.”
The woman turns to her husband and asks “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.”
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
“Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
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