Fat People Jokes
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun, surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it’s way the bus driver says to the hippie, “if you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”
The hippie, of course, says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord.
“If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” said the bus driver, “you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”
Well, the hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she’s in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but first, you must have sex with me.”
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts, “A-ha! I’m the hippie!”
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, “A-ha! I’m the bus driver!”
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A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and an apple.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, while a drunk standing behind her in line watches. “You must be single,” he slurs.
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, “That’s right. How on Earth did you know?”
“Simple,” He replies, “you’re ugly.”
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On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.”
Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.
He beams and asks, “why?” She answers, “So I can get it enlarged”!
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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said “Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree”.
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly”.
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here,” she said,”You must put it in here”.
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?”
“Just checking for bees” said Tarzan.
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The Mother Superior is busy in her office at the nunnery when suddenly there is a knock at the door. She opens the door and finds the Seven Dwarves standing there. “Can I help you?” she asks. “Yes,” replies Doc. “Are there any three-foot nuns here?”
“Don’t be absurd,” answers the Mother Superior, and she closes the door. A few minutes later there is another knock. She opens the door and finds the Seven Dwarves again. “Now what?” she asks. “Well,” says Grumpy, “we were wondering if there are any 3 ft nuns anywhere in the city.”
“Absolutely not,” she snaps, and shuts the door.
Several minutes later there is another knock at the door. This time Sleepy asks, “Do you think there might be any 3 ft nuns anywhere in the whole country?”
The Mother Superior angrily closes the door without bothering to reply. A few minutes later, the Dwarves knock again. The Mother Superior flings the door open and screams, “NO, NO, NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FT NUNS IN THIS NUNNERY, IN THIS CITY, IN THIS COUNTRY, OR ANYWHERE ON EARTH & THERE NEVER HAVE BEEN AND THERE NEVER WILL BE! EVER!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.” And she slams the door closed.
The Dwarves stand there for a moment, stunned by her outburst. Then they start to chant: “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin…”
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