Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
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A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, “Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?” “We’re Jack and Jill” she replied. The man says, “You can’t be Jack and Jill, you’re black!”
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. “Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?” “We’re Hansel and Gretel” says the little boy. “Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can’t be Hansel and Gretel because you’re black!”
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. “Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!” he asks. “We’re M & M’s, ” said the little girl. “I’m plain. He got nuts.
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Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…” He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - “Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”
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This man gets on a flight to Rome and as he’s waiting to takeoff, the flight attendant leans over him and says, “Excuse me sir, but the airline has a rather large favor to ask. In a few minutes a very famous person will be coming aboard and as this is the last empty seat, would it be all right if he sat next to you. His private jet broke down and since he doesn’t normally travel commercial it would be greatly appreciated if you didn’t make a big fuss over him.”
The man agrees and in a few minutes the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. True to his word the man gives him his privacy and soon the plane takes off. The flight goes on and soon the Pope takes out a crossword puzzle and begins to work on it.
Later on the Pope leans over to to the man and excuses himself and says, “Do you happen to know a four letter word that means female and the last three letters are u-n-t?”
The man instantly goes into a panic thinking that he can’t say that to the Pope, so he wracks his brain and thinks and thinks and finally says, “What about aunt?”
The Pope looks at the puzzle and says “You know, that fits. Thank you. By the way, do you have an eraser.”
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One night a guy got really polluted. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he’d ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.
Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.
She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”
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