John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns’ sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Mark, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
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A man is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees! Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches the man’s car and asks him what on earth he was doing. The man tells the officer about all the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, “Sir, it’s just your air freshener!”
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A woman is in a terrible car accident and, as a result, is in a coma. Doctors try everything they can think of, but nothing will bring her out of it. Once a week, a nurse comes in to give the woman a bath. She notices that every time she gets the sponge near the woman’s crotch, her vital signs seem to pick up. After a few weeks, she begins to think that maybe oral sex would help bring the woman around.
She calls the woman’s husband, explains what she’s noticed and her plan, and asks the husband if he’d like to give it a try. He agrees to give oral sex a try, and rushes down to the hospital. He is led to the woman’s private room, and a curtain is drawn around her bed to give them some privacy. The man is behind the curtain for a few minutes, when a scream from the room brings the doctors and nurses running in. The husband is standing there, and the doctors rush past him to examine the woman. All of her vital signs have stopped - she is dead. The doctors ask the husband what went wrong. “I don’t know”, he said, “I think she choked”.
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There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being ridiculed for being blonde, so she decided to fix it by dying her hair brunette. Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a shepherd with his flock. She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if she did indeed get any smarter.
She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd if she could guess how many sheep he had she could have one. The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he agreed. The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, “one hundred and fifty.”
The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to take home. She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, the shepherd stopped her and said, “If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”
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The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.
One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, “Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”
The manager did not understand the secretarys remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, “By the way Mr. Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied, “Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”
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